The Changing Times

I just did a quick skim of my last blog. WOW! A month's time sure can change a girl's attitude.

Update:

I started just under 2 weeks ago with my final weight LOSS journey. I emphasize LOSS, because I rather maintain to be honest. Not only do I feel good about my choices, I feel good about where I am and where I'm headed.

The sample meds worked out so well, that I asked Doc for a full prescription. What a shock when I found out it costs $198.06 per month. All I could do is laugh. I know that these meds are working and I have to stick with what works. It's not like we haven't had to cut back before.

Anyway, as of Saturday morning, I was down 3.6 pounds in the first week or so. (I started this mid-week instead of on my normal Saturday weigh-in day.) YAY! I'm up 2 pounds because of a wonderful night of eating and drinking I had with good friends, but hey. I only live once.

I'm ok with those 2 pounds. I know that this will not be the norm. I know that I'm not going back to the 1*0's EVER!!! I'm scared to tell you the real weight.

Here's what I know. I know that I feel good. I know that I can do this. I know that I have to learn to do this ON MY OWN. The reality is, I don't know how much longer Weight Watchers is going to be in my life. Long story, but you'll understand.

I've decided to stop wearing my Active Link and just wear my Fitbit. It tells me everything I want to know; weight loss, pound to go to goal, food intake, sleep track, calories burned, steps taken, active minutes and more. I can even share challenges with friends. I know that my Fitbit will be around well after WW is gone. That means; eliminate the Active Link since I'd have to pay to keep it going.

Here's the bottom line: Calories in. Calories out. Take in what you need to live. Burn what you need to lose weight. WE got this.

Result: I'm walking more. A lot more. I'm more conscience of the food that goes in my mouth. I'm more aware of the calories. I know that I can "eat that", if I want to earn it or am willing to burn it. I CAN still eat what I want under those circumstances.

The best part is that I don't feel like wasting a whole day in my comfy chair.

A lot of background. A little weight related stuff.

I feel like this is just as good a place as any to jot down my feelings. I'm not really sure if anyone gets notifications when I post here, so I am just going to take my chances. I've always taken pride in being transparent with my weight loss and this time will be no different. Blogging in public, does not make me proud of what I've done. I am just looking for a place to journal.

I've spent the better part of the last 2-3 years in some sort of state of depression. I started this journey by having to give up on the running that I once used to love to do. My knee hurt something awful after the 1/2 marathon I ran in 2011. It was just prior to that when I found out my EX-husband would be going to jail. The duration of his sentence was not yet known. The realization of receiving reimbursements for his half of the kids medical bills was in the forefront of my mind. Let's not forget his share of the daycare costs and all of the kids' health insurance.

It was all on me now. All. On. Me. That's a big load for anyone. Can I make it on a teacher's salary? Will the kids and I be able to still do some of the fun things we do? Will they have to give up camps and extra curricular activities? How hard will things get? I did not want to think about it. So I didn't. And life went on.

He turned himself in towards the beginning of February 2012. This sentence would last until mid-June. Times was rough, but we were doing ok. I wasn't running. I stopped exercising. I was still eating right though.

Summer of 2012 seemed to be going pretty well. I was having a good time with the man I was dating and his big family. Toward the end of the summer, I started to notice that he was also stressing me out. I guess my body just could not handle things anymore, because I found myself more and more in the napping position. With headaches.

I did not want to go back to teaching feeling this way so I made a doctor's appointment. Because I did not think much about what was wrong with me or what my symptoms were. I just knew that I was not feeling well. I was praying that it was nothing serious. The nurse practitioner questioned me a lot. When she was finished, I was starting to think maybe it had something to do with my thyroid.

Doc came in and said, "Well I don't think it is your thyroid." Ok. He says, "I think you have depression." Now this was a very hard pill for me to swallow. I always thought of myself as a very positive person. Upbeat. Optimistic. Strong. I left his office thinking a couple of different things. First, he has to be nuts. This just cannot be. Second, he is a smart man. Maybe I need to take his advice, fill the script and see how things go.

The depression was confirmed when the pharmacist told me the one month prescription would cost me $88. This is part of the reason why I was feeling bad; money. There wasn't any. I had to take a loan out from both of my parents. How humbling that at age 41, I was borrowing money from my mom and dad. UGH.

I got through to the next pay day and through that script. YEP. I was feeling better. I'd gained a couple of small pounds, but doing better. Family man and I broke up. I was feeling good. I started to lose some of that weight. I was getting compliments. Nice.

Thanksgiving evening, I got a phone call from the EX's girlfriend. He was in a drunk driving accident. And I knew what that meant for his future. For his kids. For me. And I was sinking further and further. Prison time was becoming inevitable. And it did, but not before he married the Crazy Woman.

By June of 2013, Winning Dad was incarcerated. He was sentenced to 10 years. Luckily for him, his time was to be served concurrently for his breaking parole and his accident et. al. With time served and good behavior, maybe he would serve 2 - 2 1/2 years. And my heart sunk; those poor kids. Theyd did not deserve this. And me. How was I going to do this AGAIN, but for a longer period of time? I just don't know that I can do this again. Ah, but I am strong and I love those kids. I can do this.

We get through the first few months of his sentence and I start getting that feeling again. Doc agrees with me that an increase in meds is a viable solution. Done. While my depression seems to be mostly under control, my weight gain is NOT!!!

In the summer of 2013, I gained more than a couple of pounds. I don't remember the number, but I do remember feeling lucky that I did not have to wear long pants yet. I knew those would not fit. Over the next 6-7 months, I would be in and out of depression and therefore, having and increasing weight problem.

Weight gain is about as real as the depression. I don't like either one of them. Last week, I went in for my annual check-up. Doc wants me to try out an anti-depressant that also contains a stimulant. I don't feel the anti-depressant part working just yet, but I have felt the stimulant working. I can feel the energy working everyday.

I've been on this new medicine for 1 week now. According to Doc, I should have the benefits of the anti-depressant working in the next 2-3 weeks. I'm praying for that. I just want to feel normal again.

As far as my weight loss goes, I can't really focus on that right now. I'm working on getting my mind back in the game. I figure once that happens, everything else will fall into place. So, for now, all I can do is make sure that I take my medicine everyday.

I do wear my Active Link and my FitBit everyday. I can't be in any competitions with Weight Watcher people. Those make me feel like a loser. I know it is all in my head, but I like the competition that LB includes me in. I always come in 1st or 2nd in those. LOL.

Prayers for a healthy outcome.

If you are viewing this, let me know with a short comment. I'd love to find out if anyone is reading.

To post or not to post?

My dear friend, TP, asked me to follow her blog and support her in getting motiviated to lose weight. That's why I'm here. To try to decide if this is right for me or not.

I'll let you know. Right now I need to go to sleep.

Doctor Forced "Diet"

Because my dad had colon cancer and I had polyps 10 years ago, it is time for my 10-year check-up. UGH. Why do I not remember the "diet" they put me on right before? Oh, I know. Probably because I was in the hospital in a lot of pain. The diet escaped me. Well, and there's the whole I-didn't-care-what-I-put-in-my-mouth thing back then.

Now is a different story. I care what goes in my mouth. I love fruits and veggies. They are the crux of "getting through" for me. For 7 days, I have to give up my daily vitamin. I can already feel my energy level decreasing. for 3 days I have to give up ALL fruits and vegetables. 3 DAYS!!!! UGH. That is going to seem like forever. I feel like I am going to have a hard time with that. Thursday I must be on an all clear liquid diet (while I am at work, even). More UGH.

I worry about compensating for the lack of F/V with "pointed" foods. This is going to take extra work on my part to get through. Do you think the liquid diet will make up for it? Damn shame the liquid diet can't include a beer or two, a glass of wine maybe. By then I'll need it.

Ok. Wish me luck.

Love in losing,

Jenny

ohMAword

My, how time gets away from me. Did not realize it has been a month and a half since my last post.

Just thought I would let you know that I survived the fasting. Happened to lose 3.6 in the process. Ya think it had much to do with the fact that I did not get my points in every day? Bad news is....it was hard to keep off. I'm glad I was doing that for God, not for dieting purposes.

That's right. Once again, I proved that "diets" don't work. This is a lifestyle change. Once the diet is over, everything goes back to the way it was. I hope you know that by now.

Do you just LOVE the weather we are having? I hope it has helped motivate you to get out an be active. I know it has me. Saturday after the meeting I usually go straight to get my nails done. This week, I dropped my car off at Plaza Tire Auto for routine maintenance. Instead of a friend picking me up and taking me to the nail salon, I jogged there and back. It was a beautiful 2 mile round trip.

Sunday I went to Tracey's house for my bi-weekly visit. (I like how she invites me now and I don't have to ask. heehee) ohMAword, who knew it would get so warm? I got a sunburn!!! I wore my "cooling clothes" there and almost had heat exhaustion. Needless to say, I shed that layer of clothing for the walk home.

Sick kids are calling.

Love in losing,

Jenny

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

I would like to start by wishing each of you blessings this New Year. May God be with you every step of the way.

Let me next tell you that I have a lot to say. I hope that I don't ramble or stray too much off topic. I think that a lot of what I am about to tell you will make sense when I inform you that I have been in a weird spot this break. My kids were gone for most of the break and for a bit of it, I was lonely.

Looking back on it all, I think I was protesting being alone and being lonely by eating, by not tracking,....I'm not sure why I thought that Loneliness would argue back with me. Loneliness does not care. Nor does it value me. And now I know that it also does not DEFINE me.

It is true, I gained two-and-a-half pounds between Christmas and New Years. Not what I wanted, but also not terrible. In my pre-WW years, I could have put on an "easy" 5-10 pounds in that week. And with out a single thought about any of them.

What I learned is although the journey is fun and encouraging, the destination is amazing. I like being "at goal". I feel good. I feel great. But I did not like what I did to myself over break. The weird weather kept me inside a lot. Then two sore knees (from a 8+ mile walk) kept me from doing much.

What I am going to do about it is two-fold. First, I am going be outside training WHENEVER I can. Maybe even when I can't. I have to squeeze the training in if I want to meet my personal completion goal. Second, I am going to do better for myself. By that I mean, I am going to cleanse myself for God. I am limiting my online "fun", I am reading the Bible daily and I am fasting for a few weeks.

Now don't get all worried about me. I am eating. I am eating minimally during the work day: i.e. fruits and veggies with one protein bar. For dinner, more veggies, a carbohydrate and more protein. Because of this, I am not counting my points. I would, except I honestly don't want to know how MUCH I am depriving myself. My goal is to CLEANSE. This will not last forever. I will be back "on plan" at the end of the month.

I will still be working. No worries. I will see you Saturday. It is something I want to do for God with my church.

Love in losing,

Jenny Wright

7:30am Saturday

Festus

Merry Christmas

This time of year is filled with lots of emotions. Sadness in not having someone special to share it with (kids don't count when they are not here), happiness that my little one still believes in the magic and gratefulness in the ability to be able to provide for my family and give them the Christmas they deserve.

All of these emotions give me reason to eat. Sadness makes me want to give up on all I've worked for and just say, "what the hell?" Happiness makes me want to have a party in my mouth with scrumptious goodness.

This year I am armed with something more powerful than my emotions. I am armed (with the presence of Jesus Christ) and the PointsPlus Program. I know that instead of munching all day while I cook dinner, I can grab an orange or two. (They were good!) I know that by tracking what goes in my mouth, I will be less likely to put a pinch of this or a spoonful of that in my mouth.

I am grateful for a lot. I am grateful for our Lord who gives me the strength to get through each day, especially the rough ones. I am grateful for my children who are full of laughter and smarts which keeps me on my toes. They also teach me patience on a daily basis. I am grateful for the two jobs that I have. I have the BEST teaching job in the world. I also love all the positions that I hold with WW. I believe it is a wonderful company and can't wait to do that full time after retiring from teaching. I am grateful for having financial smarts. This has allowed me to do things that I never would have been able to do while I was married.

I am also grateful for YOU. My life would not be the same with you in it.

Blessings to you and your family on this wonderful Christmas eve.

Love in losing,

Jenny