From the Heart

I told you that I was going to start getting serious about some things. One of which is my nightly readings. Last night I read about asking for help. And asking for help from someone special....a close friend, a caring family member, a fellow WW member, whomever.

I have a special friend like that. She helps me reason things out in all aspects of my life. She also happens to be a WW member. This helps, but this is not our main focus when we get together weekly to talk. I know that I need her, and that life would be harder without her. She knows first hand of the troubles that I have been through in life.

What I read last night is that even though I have her help (like you have ours/mine), it is my reponsibility to solve my own problems (with the help of God).

I have had many problems in WW. Let's start with becoming overweight. That was the obvious problem. DER. It is out there for everyone to see. For a long time, though, I could not see it. In my mind I was thin and beautiful. I was in a "big, fat state of denial", as they say. (Pun fully intended.) I thought that I had control over things. I thought that if no one saw me eat, it was not going to become fat on my body. I thought I could have just one bite and that was enough. I thought I could fit into and feel ok in my "skinny" jeans when I had soooo much to loose still. I thought I could eat whatever I wanted. I thought I could have fast food multiple times a week and multiple times a day sometimes. And I thought I could do all of it alone. I thought I, "if I wanted to, I could lose the weight. I have done it before. I just don't want to right now." (Remember at this time, I am still thinking that I am thin and beautiful.)

I finally came to an abrupt realization that I was overweight. My mother's husband, you have heard me talk about him. Lost weight. Had struggles. Got pregnant. Gained a LOT of weight. Had baby. Came back.

I must have been at WW for 6-8 months when I started to approach my goal. There was an opening for a receptionist, and I grabbed at it. I was within a few pounds of my goal, and hired. This motivated me to get all the way there. Receptionist position worked out fine for me. The position kept me in check for a while.....

Then the denial was back. REMEMBER: THIS is about ME. It is NOT meant to OFFEND anyone.

Well, I had a holiday to celebrate. Teacher work-days at the beginning of the year are hard, because everyone goes out to eat. One of the kids had a birthday. My Dad had people over. Kevin had an episode. I treated the kids to McDonald's because they had good days at school. I am retaining water. I had Chinese last night. I used all of my flex points yesterday. I am on medication. I just had surgery.

I simply could not escape my own excuses. They sure did sound good at the time, though. Whatever it took to justify why I was not doing what I should be doing. I wanted someone to tell me it was ok to screw up. Funny thing is, people did.

The truth of the matter is, I knew all along that none of these excuses were doing me any good. Sure the food tasted good, or at least the first few bites did. But other than that, what did I have to show for it? I was above my goal for way too long considering I work for a weight-loss compamny. My clothes did NOT fit.....I could not sit comfortably in ANY pants, I could not WAIT to unsnap (and sometimes unzip) in the car on the way home from work and the seams were ripping in some of my pants. I did not feel pretty. I could not stand to look at myself after a shower. I definately did not want my husband to look at me like that. "That" aspect of my life was hard too, because of the way I felt about myself.

At some points, I felt like I was on this Merry-Go-Round. I felt bad. I ate. I had guilt. I ate. I felt bad. I ate. I had guilt. I ate. I don't think I was ever happy with the way I felt.

What I know now is this:

• I make my own decisions. Those decisions WILL effect my attitude tomorrow as well as what the scale reads in the morning. I have to be ok with my decisions. I have to weigh my options while making each decision---will I be ok about this tomorrow? Will I have remorse/guilt/sadness/anger about this tomorrow?

• I also know that when I make a mistake there is a reason. Not an excuse. If I mess up, it is because I made a bad choice about something. I chose to eat more points than I should have. I chose not to exercise. I chose to not write it down 2 days this week. I made those choices. They did not happen by accident. They happened on purpose. I need to own up to it, and not make excues. The reason why I gain weight is because I chose to screw up this week. It is my own fault.

• I know that what happens in my life, in my weight-loss, in my career is my responsibility. (Sometimes, I need God's help to remember that, or my good friend.) Granted, I cannot control everything....I learned that one a LOOOONG time ago. But HOW I react is completely up to me. That is my responsibility. I don't have to eat, just because something good or something bad happened to me. I can choose not to do that.

Don't get me wrong, I am not being hard on myself. I did my reading last night, and this stuff just came to me. I need to own up. Be a (wo-)man.

• Now that I know what my weaknesses are, I know what I need to do to avoid those.
• I know how to control myself or take myself out of a situation if I cannot.
• I know how to say, "no thank you."
• I know that I have support.
• I know that I have to go to work Saturday morning and stand in front of a great crowd of people and facilitate a weight-loss meeting.
• I know.....I can't do it alone.

Today's diddy: "We cannot climb a rope that is attached only to our own belt." --William Ernest Hocking