A lot of background. A little weight related stuff.

I feel like this is just as good a place as any to jot down my feelings. I'm not really sure if anyone gets notifications when I post here, so I am just going to take my chances. I've always taken pride in being transparent with my weight loss and this time will be no different. Blogging in public, does not make me proud of what I've done. I am just looking for a place to journal.

I've spent the better part of the last 2-3 years in some sort of state of depression. I started this journey by having to give up on the running that I once used to love to do. My knee hurt something awful after the 1/2 marathon I ran in 2011. It was just prior to that when I found out my EX-husband would be going to jail. The duration of his sentence was not yet known. The realization of receiving reimbursements for his half of the kids medical bills was in the forefront of my mind. Let's not forget his share of the daycare costs and all of the kids' health insurance.

It was all on me now. All. On. Me. That's a big load for anyone. Can I make it on a teacher's salary? Will the kids and I be able to still do some of the fun things we do? Will they have to give up camps and extra curricular activities? How hard will things get? I did not want to think about it. So I didn't. And life went on.

He turned himself in towards the beginning of February 2012. This sentence would last until mid-June. Times was rough, but we were doing ok. I wasn't running. I stopped exercising. I was still eating right though.

Summer of 2012 seemed to be going pretty well. I was having a good time with the man I was dating and his big family. Toward the end of the summer, I started to notice that he was also stressing me out. I guess my body just could not handle things anymore, because I found myself more and more in the napping position. With headaches.

I did not want to go back to teaching feeling this way so I made a doctor's appointment. Because I did not think much about what was wrong with me or what my symptoms were. I just knew that I was not feeling well. I was praying that it was nothing serious. The nurse practitioner questioned me a lot. When she was finished, I was starting to think maybe it had something to do with my thyroid.

Doc came in and said, "Well I don't think it is your thyroid." Ok. He says, "I think you have depression." Now this was a very hard pill for me to swallow. I always thought of myself as a very positive person. Upbeat. Optimistic. Strong. I left his office thinking a couple of different things. First, he has to be nuts. This just cannot be. Second, he is a smart man. Maybe I need to take his advice, fill the script and see how things go.

The depression was confirmed when the pharmacist told me the one month prescription would cost me $88. This is part of the reason why I was feeling bad; money. There wasn't any. I had to take a loan out from both of my parents. How humbling that at age 41, I was borrowing money from my mom and dad. UGH.

I got through to the next pay day and through that script. YEP. I was feeling better. I'd gained a couple of small pounds, but doing better. Family man and I broke up. I was feeling good. I started to lose some of that weight. I was getting compliments. Nice.

Thanksgiving evening, I got a phone call from the EX's girlfriend. He was in a drunk driving accident. And I knew what that meant for his future. For his kids. For me. And I was sinking further and further. Prison time was becoming inevitable. And it did, but not before he married the Crazy Woman.

By June of 2013, Winning Dad was incarcerated. He was sentenced to 10 years. Luckily for him, his time was to be served concurrently for his breaking parole and his accident et. al. With time served and good behavior, maybe he would serve 2 - 2 1/2 years. And my heart sunk; those poor kids. Theyd did not deserve this. And me. How was I going to do this AGAIN, but for a longer period of time? I just don't know that I can do this again. Ah, but I am strong and I love those kids. I can do this.

We get through the first few months of his sentence and I start getting that feeling again. Doc agrees with me that an increase in meds is a viable solution. Done. While my depression seems to be mostly under control, my weight gain is NOT!!!

In the summer of 2013, I gained more than a couple of pounds. I don't remember the number, but I do remember feeling lucky that I did not have to wear long pants yet. I knew those would not fit. Over the next 6-7 months, I would be in and out of depression and therefore, having and increasing weight problem.

Weight gain is about as real as the depression. I don't like either one of them. Last week, I went in for my annual check-up. Doc wants me to try out an anti-depressant that also contains a stimulant. I don't feel the anti-depressant part working just yet, but I have felt the stimulant working. I can feel the energy working everyday.

I've been on this new medicine for 1 week now. According to Doc, I should have the benefits of the anti-depressant working in the next 2-3 weeks. I'm praying for that. I just want to feel normal again.

As far as my weight loss goes, I can't really focus on that right now. I'm working on getting my mind back in the game. I figure once that happens, everything else will fall into place. So, for now, all I can do is make sure that I take my medicine everyday.

I do wear my Active Link and my FitBit everyday. I can't be in any competitions with Weight Watcher people. Those make me feel like a loser. I know it is all in my head, but I like the competition that LB includes me in. I always come in 1st or 2nd in those. LOL.

Prayers for a healthy outcome.

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